Healing My Relationship With Reading & Learning To Love It Again

I was that child with their nose in a book. I became a girl lost in the between the pages; teetering between the choice to stay in my fictional worlds and face reality. Reading was my escape for my childhood, for my teenage years and it was my favourite hobby. I adored browsing libraries, bookshops and buying books was my second hobby. How many books is too many? Can you ever buy too many books? I yearned for a library like Belle’s in Beauty and the Beast. I loved books so much that I struggled to see who I was without my love of reading. It was such a huge part of my identity that I couldn’t imagine my life without books in it. I couldn’t imagine not being excited to read. Until it happened.

If you’d asked my younger self, if I could ever picture myself struggling to pick up books and feel excited to read, she’d stare at you confused. Reading was like breathing to me. It was a way of life. Most of my spare time was filled with reading. If I wasn’t reading, I was likely watching TV or doing something creative (e.g writing, drawing etc). Something important to mention here, I didn’t have access to the internet independently until I was about 13. My forms of entertainment as a child was TV, DVDs, books, my imagination and the DS.

Books truly were my crutch. The fictional characters became my friends. I found peace in the pages and I found myself too. It was only when I got older, around 17/18 that I could feel my relationship with this hobby changing. The escape I once had was fracturing as my brain began making me feel guilty for not being productive. Overwhelm threatened to suffocate me beneath the books that I kept buying because I wanted to read them one day. Only for that day to feel like it truly would never come, not even in a joking way.

Now the breakdown in my relationship with reading can be attributed to several things:

The first is this blog. Originally a book blog and I was putting pressure on myself to try and fit the mould. Post reviews and bookish content, however that meant I wasn’t fully immersing myself in the books like I usually did.

Second, the book community as a whole. Consuming the content that pushes the narrative to read more, to challenge yourself and you get the validation for the more you read.

Third, I was discovering other hobbies, which gave me the same happiness, reading gave me. I was exploring other things because I had the ability to do so once I got my own devices so I was no longer restricted to just my mum’s desktop computer.

Fourth, the narrative I was telling myself. That reading was somehow a waste of my time when I could be more productive.

I read 9 books in 2021.

The lowest amount of books I’ve ever read that I can remember. I felt so much shame and guilt at first because how could I call myself a reader, a ‘book’ blogger when I’d only read 9 books total. That was when I realised, truly realised how much damage I’d done to my love of reading, by telling myself ‘it was a waste of time’ and ‘I could be doing something productive’. Keep in mind, I could binge dramas and not feel guilty but for books I was consumed by guilt.

Thus began my healing process. At the end of my hiatus, I realised I still enjoyed reading, it still felt like home. The smell of a paperback, brings me so much comfort unlike any other scent. Reading was still my home. I just had to figure out how to balance it with the other hobbies I now have. I am still trying to find that balance.

Learning to love reading again, has been quite the adventure. One I never thought I’d have to go through but here we are. Here are some things that I’ve been keeping in my mind when I approach reading these days.

It’s ok if you devour it and it’s ok if it takes you half a year

Trying to feel less guilt when it takes me months to read a book. One of the ways I do this is to reframe it as ‘me savouring the book’, whilst I can still fly through a book in one sitting and thoroughly enjoy it. There’s something about taking my time with certain books, to fully process the prose, the world building and everything that I’ve grown to appreciate. Whether I inhale a book in one sitting or prolong my pain across multiple months – what matters most is that I am enjoying the book I’m reading. Not the pace at which I actually consume the material. At least, that’s something I’m trying to keep in mind.

Rest is just as important as productivity

Do I enjoy watching videos on YouTube as people have productive days? Yes. Am I going to suddenly check off all the things on my to do list in a single day? No. I just…do not have the energy for that most days. I’m grateful if I can get one thing done in a day. Rest is as important as being productive. Reading is rest, my brain can switch off and doesn’t have to think about anything other than what these fictional characters are doing. Retraining my brain’s voice to not bash me every time I decide to read is a challenge but we’re getting there slowly.

Reading =/= Content For The Blog

Just because I’m reading or in the mood to read, does not mean I need to read with the intention to post on the blog. I do make posts about some of the books and series I read, however I don’t put the pressure on myself to pick them up just because I’m in the mood to read. Those posts can and do get shuffled around because I refuse to feel guilty about them taking longer to be posted, when I want to enjoy reading or rereading those books. The point of the posts is to share my love of those books, which is harder to do when you force yourself to read to meet a self imposed deadline. Similarly with my rec posts, I try and recommend books I’ve read so I know what I’m recommending. It’s why a lot of the book related content takes longer to appear on my blog. I’m not rushing myself to read books in the name of posting consistently or posting content. I’ll post it in my own time, when I’m ready. I run this blog, the blog does not run me. Not anymore.

I hope you enjoyed this post! Have you had any rocky moments in your relationship with reading? How did you overcome them? Do you ever feel pressured to read to keep up with others? Let me know in the comments!

Advertisement